I think I can, I think I can...

Capability is to pursue life, but sometimes that means focusing inwards and not pushing outwards.

-Sheryl Chan

The little engine that could (Watty Piper, 1930) is a story known to most generations. The little engine believes that they can conquer the hill despite their smaller size and load. This story comes to mind when I contemplate burnout and perfectionism, particularly reflecting on my own personal experience. Since writing my previous post about burnout, my mind has been formulating another one of my working theories (anecdotal theories that have some grounding in research but are not a verified or empirically tested idea). I have been talking with a number of clients about the difference between capability and capacity. As an ADHDr I am always on the go and always wanting to pursue different things that interest me and I know I am capable of doing but my capacity to do all those things is limited, mostly by my health.

Over the course of a few sessions I started to evolve a visual representation of this working theory which you will find on this page. I have a visual way of thinking and learning and so creating this helped me to start making sense of the terms, capacity and capability, in relationship with each other. The first iteration of this theory shows a gap between someones capability to achieve things (whether it is goal or otherwise) and the capacity to achieve things. This gap I affectionately refer to as the perfectionists zone of doom. It is when in this zone that I have observed that people are in distress. The wider the gap between capacity and capability the more this distress exacerbates and the more likely that burnout can happen.

When I discuss this working theory with clients, particularly ADHD clients, it resonates, especially the perfectionist zone of doom. This is not surprising given the strong connection of ADHD with experiences of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). A number of us have developed perfectionist traits to mitigate the risk of criticism. It is these perfectionist traits that can drive us past our capacity and into the zone of doom. It was reflecting on my own perfectionism and vulnerability to criticism that I realised that it was fuelled by a critical voice in my head. The good'ol inner critic. My inner critic can be a real asshole some days but I now know it is a part of me. Having worked with that part, in my own therapy, I know it is always trying to help me in some way. It's just not always nice about it.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy we understand that we abandon ourselves to maintain connection with the important people in our lives. Perfectionism is one way that parts try to protect us from rejection. So it made sense to me that the zone of doom, the gap between knowing what we are capable of and having the capacity to achieve that, may be the result of a conflict or polarisation between different parts. Exploring this working theory more with clients I started to check what parts they noticed were working against each other. So many reported that they wanted or needed to achieve certain things, and would work hard towards it but then out of nowhere they would get sick. Others would find themselves procrastinating or paralysed not knowing where to start, or be worried they would not get it right. I started to hear striving/achieving parts, people pleasing parts, over-scheduling or busy bee parts, stoic parts, the inner critic etc. These parts all work hard to make us “good enough”. Good enough to be loved as we all need to be. Even the parts that seemed to sabotage this effort, like the avoidant parts, were trying to protect clients from not feeling good enough. If you do not try you do not fail.

What I commonly heard was the inner critic revving up the striving parts and pushing people into the zone of doom, while at the same time avoidant parts were trying to increase capacity by trying to get them out of this zone. This cycle repeats over and over and often manifests in ill health. Sadly, even ill health does not always stop the striving parts who are egged on by stoic parts. Knowing IFS and parts as I do I realised that, ultimately, until all these parts are witnessed, understood and relieved of the burden (ie. the emotional wound which, in this example, is the need to be perfect to be worthy of love), this polarisation continues the cycle of burnout. The first step in breaking this cycle is knowing what parts exist in this zone or push people past their limits. Then we can find the parts that fight against that behaviour. Sometimes it can start the other way around, with someone voicing frustration at their procrastination or laziness. When I hear "shoulds", for example, "I should be able to do this...", I know there is a part nearby.

Additionally, we often hear about the Window of Tolerance in the therapy world. This concept illustrates our patterns of regulation and dysregulation and what happens physically, mentally and emotionally when we are in a fight/flight or a freeze response. These autonomic nervous system responses have a big impact on our capacity. Like many others, I have come to think of it more as a window of capacity because defining life as something we have to tolerate is not that appealing.

In collecting my thoughts about this topic, I reached out to trusted colleagues who rightly pointed out the role of the global window of tolerance/capacity and how world events may activate parts of us to cope. A part may strive or work hard to distract someone from the anguish of what is happening in the world around them. Equally, a part may use dissociation or shutdown to achieve this same outcome, all aimed at protecting the wellbeing on the individual. However it may also, inadvertently, contribute to a polarisation in their internal system. When we do not have global leadership offering, calm, stability and compassion to others, it makes sense that we may struggle to do this for ourselves.

In saying that, when we define our capacity and it's limits we lessen the impact of the "shoulds". We can connect with compassion for ourselves and recognise that while we may be capable of doing something it does not mean we are able to do it; at that point in time. We have reached the limit to our capacity and going beyond that may cause harm. We can then be in relationship with the parts involved and build a relationship between them so they can work with instead of against each other. So, the parts that are aiming for rest to allow capacity to grow can support the striving parts to be more capable. This resourcing comes from Self energy and we have more Self energy when we have healed our burdened parts. Our capacity and capability are more aligned. The zone of doom is smaller and our window of capacity is wider.

The little train that could got over that hill by believing in itself not by criticising itself or being worried that it would be judged if it failed. It was able to get over the hill because while it had doubts about it's capability and it had limited capacity, it made peace with these obstacles and it trusted itSelf.