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"Expectations are predetermined disappointments"

-Unknown

Cast of The Breakfast Club, a John Hughes film (1985)

Growing up in the 80s and 90s (and with 3 older siblings) the Breakfast Club has been a big feature in my life. Like Ferris Bueller, my parents were very wary of the influence of this movie on our impressionable young minds. To this day I still love to watch it and can still recite many of the scenes verbatim (much to the shock, horror and irritation of my teenage children). It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the more recent disclosure from female cast about some of the scenes depicted and their discomfort with the Director, John Hughes. Watching it back now there are definitely some cringe elements to the movie. Despite this, the movie holds a really important message about adolescence.

The Breakfast starts and ends with similar scenes. To start you hear the voice of Brian as a handful of students (including Brian) are dropped at school by their parents, on a Saturday morning, for detention. Once in detention they are tasked with writing an essay describing "Who do you think you are?". I am not a Jungian therapists but I am privileged to learn from one and it is clear to me that this film depicts distinct adolescent archetypes. These are outlined in the final words of the movie where once again, you hear from Brian, who reads from his essay while viewers see the Breakfast Club leaving detention. His words are poignant."You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions. You see us as a Brain, an Athlete, a Basketcase, Princess, and a Criminal. Correct?" These archetypes, and this movie, demonstrate how teenagers are often narrowed down to assumptions by adults about who they are, instead of being seen for who they actually are. Strangely, this happens despite us, the adults, all having once been teenagers ourselves.

The characters in the movie are all in detention because they have each done something bad to land themselves there. Yet, as the movie unfolds and the group share their experiences with each other, the viewer learns that they are all trying to manage the expectations of the adults in their lives. They all feel imperfect, unseen, used, discarded, unwelcome or not important enough. They are all acutely aware of the needs of the adults in their lives. This weighs heavily on them all and manifests in how they behave. They are all seeking to be seen and known for who they are while knowing, as Brian points out, that who they are is irrelevant. Good behaviour is expected. Bad behaviour is noticed.

The Breakfast Club start out battling each other, like hungry birds scrambling for breadcrumbs. They are seeking attention even if that attention is negative. Their bad behaviour is their attempt to communicate to the adults in their lives that they are crumbling under the pressure of expectations. Sadly, they are met with discipline, a lack of understanding and further reminders of what is expected of them. The only character who meets expectations is John Bender. He is expected to be a delinquent so he lives up to this reputation, despite it not really being who he is or what he wants for himself. He is resigned to this role and plays it with gusto. Yet, his needs are the same as his peers. He yearns for nurturing, guidance, and healthy boundaries.

In time the Breakfast Club find cohesion and shared understanding and they find their own fun through rebellion and risk taking. They see each other and offer each other the connection they crave. They all lament returning to a world where they have to assume their assigned archetypal roles and, once again, meet expectations.

Working with teens I see this yearning to be seen and known often. I hear themes of perfectionism, stress, strong internal critics and I see young souls who are lost in a big world. They are all remarkable individuals with amazing stories and strength but they hold so much. As an adult in a position of influence in their lives, at a really crucial stage, I aim to reflect back to them their awesomeness, their creativity, their intellect and their talents. If I place any expectation on them it is that they try to see themselves how they want to be seen and as who they know themselves to be. The world does not need more cookie cutter personalities. We need uniqueness, ingenuity, big thinkers and those that feel big. We need to be mindful of handing our kids our fears to hold. They have enough to hold already.

Years ago, in my former career, I completed a leadership program. At one of the workshops I was having a rant (yes, I’m human) to the facilitator about a colleague. She listened gently and then respectfully interrupted me saying “You expect them to care and they don’t”.

This hit me like a kick to the guts!

But she was right… she went on to explain that I was expecting my colleague to think and act as I would and they that would not because they were not me. She said that no two people will react to the same situation the same way because they will have different values, lived experiences, families, upbringings, cultures etc. Even if two people were similar they would still experience the same situation differently.

She told me very clearly that if I kept expecting people to think, feel and behave the same way I do then I would always be disappointed.

This advice changed my life.

As I reflect on this advice now, many years down the track and working with teenagers, I see with even more clarity how limiting our expectations of others can be and how much they contribute to our day to day stress. Teenagers interact with and learn the expectations of adults for them in many spheres of their life; from parents, teachers, coaches, extended family, and society in general. A period of time where they are developmentally meant to discover who they are they are being told who they need to be.

As adults we may have the wisdom of lived experience, knowledge of what can go wrong and what needs to happen in order to survive and thrive in the world. Yet, we forget that how we have navigated life is not the only way it can be travelled. Each generation evolves the experience and wisdom of those that come before. It is not that these young individuals do not care to hear or learn from us, they simply want to be part of the conversation. They want the have their ideas and experiences heard and valued. They want to be trusted. They need to make mistakes to learn. Sadly, like the Breakfast Club, they can feel compelled to make mistakes to be seen and noticed. Adolescence is a time of struggle, stress, anxiety, sadness and existential crisis. Teenagers need to journey through this time and these feelings without fearing themselves or their own minds. They should not be made to feel broken or something that needs to be fixed. We cannot spare them or protect them completely from harm. This would be a disservice to them. Equally, we should not leave them to navigate the pains of life on their own, with no support and guidance.

This is our roles as adults and guides in the lives of teenagers. As long as we have capacity to learn we have not reached our potential. We can learn from our teenagers as much as we can teach them. If we expect our teenagers to be and act like us there is a strong likelihood we will be disappointed. They see and know that disappointment. Helping teenagers discover and be themselves is like a roller coaster; equals parts fun and terrifying. Yet, like roller coasters, we need to be brave enough to enjoy the ride with our eyes fully open.